Sometimes moving forward involves letting go of what no longer works. We need to let go of the past to fully live in the present. The Universe has challenged me in untold of ways during my life. If anyone had a right to wallow in self-pity it would be me, but I can't and I won't. I have chosen to allow my life circumstances to mold me into the precious human I am today. I have chosen to love myself and all the scars that brought me to this magnificent point in my life. I am great and only getting better. This doesn't mean there won't be challenges, but I have learned to trust that everything I am, everything I'm becoming will help me surmount the life hurdles I may face.
Over this past New Year's holiday I checked myself into Brighton Center for Recovery for a medical detox. I had been prescribed numerous addictive substances over the years to deal with the many health challenges I had faced. I was waisting away. I was dying. I weighed just 117, and am 5'8" tall. My skin was hanging off my frame, and I could barely move. I had been trying to detox myself from the medication I was taking, but I didn't have the time nor energy for such a long process. Making the decision to face my addiction head on was the best thing I have ever done. Well...one of the best things...lol...
Following detox I was quickly confronted with some challenging life decisions. How was I going to choose to live my life, and who was I going to welcome back in? At 51 years old I have the luxury of deciding who stays and who goes. (Actually, I think we all have this luxury, but it's a scary power to have so we disown it - but that's just me...) Choosing to live a happy and healthy life, a life dedicated to service, was the easy part. Choosing who I would allow to continue in my circle was a whole different story. We are conditioned to believe that family, regardless of how crazy or toxic they may be is always in our best interest. This is a myth long in the making. Sometimes the best, healthiest thing we can do for ourselves is to sever ties with those who no longer service our higher good, and sever I did.
The first person off the block, so to speak, was a cousin.
Jackie started calling me after my release from detox. I had spoken with her a few times over the years, but in truth I had been abandoned by my friends and family during my time of greatest need. The detox was only a resolution of a much longer and agonizing story. Those I should have been able to turn to had deserted me. Now that I was getting my life back on track my phone was suddenly ringing.
I lost my car in an auto accident in 2009. I was dependent on others for transportation of any kind. Jackie had, in fact, given me a ride on two or three occasions, but when you live in a city with no mass transportation you are dependent on others for pretty much everything. So the few rides I did get from her didn't really amount to much. It was kind of like spitting on a raging fire.
Jackie is married to my cousin Mark. Their relationship is wildly dysfunctional. Mark is an active drug addict. He was able to clean himself up for a time, but soon relapsed back into his old ways. They communicate by screaming - an age old tradition passed down through our familial genes. Theirs is a hallmark example of a dysfunctional relationship.
Jackie called me on a few occasions. I managed to dodge her, but she was persistent. She called my Mom and complained I was being mean and discourteous. My Mom called me and told me I was being mean - and so the dysfunctional family story unfolds.
Initially, I had been avoiding Jackie because I didn't want anything to do with people who are actively engaging in their addiction. One of the hallmark rules of staying sober initially is to avoid people who use, and I was. Eventually, it all came down to setting healthy boundaries for myself. It was no longer a need. It was a desire, and I desired peace. Engaging with Jackie would not bring the peace I was seeking, and I have struggled long enough. Jackie, however, persisted.
When we initially set a boundary in life we have to expect it will be tested. I had managed to avoid Jackie's phone calls so one day when I posted something to Facebook she "commented." "This is all very spiritual, but I want to talk to you." Jackie couldn't take no for an answer, and she was willing to track me down on a public domain if that's what it took to get a response other than silence. I didn't comment back on my post. Instead I sent her a text message, and in the kindest way one can possibly tell someone to leave them alone, I did. I knew it would hurt, but this was about me. If she truly understood and honored me she wouldn't have tracked me down and tried to pull me back in. She would have listened to the silence of no response, but my family is dense that way. I received a scathing reply about how good she had been to me, and how I had hurt her, etc. And of this I have no doubt. When we grow accustomed to an unhealthy interpersonal dynamic we fight against change. The change, in this instant, had occurred within me and I was no longer willing to back down to accommodate the needs of others. Sometimes in life we need to sever unhealthy family ties to move forward unencumbered, and sever I did. I thought I was being nice by avoiding the issue, but quite the opposite was true. Silence, to those embedded in chaos, creates more disharmony. Not saying anything was my way of avoiding the pain I knew my decision would cause, and the expected backlash I received. Sending the text - cutting the cord was indeed painful, but it was a good pain. I had freed myself from a situation I chose not to carry into a future.
*****stay tuned for part 2...who stays and who goes...
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