I'm the poverty you hear about. The poverty you never really have to see. I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm sorry to ruin your day.
Most of you woke up this morning, shuffled around the house and got ready for work. I woke up this morning terrified. Terrified that what I have, what I am won't be enough to get me through the day. I would love to get ready to go out, but I can't. I've been cast aside, thrown out, deemed unworthy of respect and honor by those around me. The minute I was hurt everybody walked away. Here I sit, alone and scared. Afraid all my efforts. desires and hopes will go unnoticed by those who could really help if they wanted. Oh, wait, I'm asking too much. So sorry...let me crawl back under the rock you've relegated. I'll try not to bother you again.
My sin - I broke my neck. I fell into a trench holding my then infant daughter, and snapped my neck at the C-3 vertebrae. I heard it. Snapping your neck is a distinctively sickening sound. One that happens right between your ears. You can't pretend it didn't happen.
My second sin - I got up and walked away. It doesn't happen often. Ask Christopher Reeve, Superman. Oh yeah, he's dead. My point exactly. I didn't know I was supposed to be dead or paralyzed from the neck down. My then husband picked up our daughter, went into the house and shut off all the lights. Not before, however, telling me to "get my fat-ass up, and quite making a spectacle of myself." I was left alone to deal with a tragedy. This is a theme that plays itself out far too often in life. The minute we can no longer produce we become expendable. We don't count, and no longer matter. We become the problem of somebody else. The problem with this line of reasoning is who exactly is the "someone else?"
My then husband picked up our daughter and went in the house. The doctor's I saw dismissed me as hysterical. My family too. Sad, very, very sad. When you fall down in life somebody should be there to give you hand and help you back up. It doesn't happen as much as we might like to think, but it should. We live in a society that shows us when we're down we should stay down. Don't get back up. Don't heal. Cease to want or need because we can't see you. We don't want to see you. Seeing might make us have to change the way we do things, and we do things perfectly. Right? Wrong...
I fell. I got hurt. My circumstance changed, but I didn't. I'm intelligent, creative, loving and compassionate. I'm still the same, but I sinned. I needed to check out for a while to recover. I needed a time-out in a world not meant for them. In Detroit there's a t-shirt that reads "Detroit. Where the weak are killed and eaten." I suspect the creator understood far more than this saying would indicate. Refusing to acknowledge the needs of another doesn't make a problem go away. It makes it worse - much, much worse.
I'm the poverty you hear about. I fell and I got back up. I won't stay down, not for anybody. I have a choice. What about those who don't?
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
I'm trying to return to work. It's harder than it looks. I'm well-educated, intelligent, and ready to put in the necessary time to make a go of it in todays world, but I don't have the one thing that will ensure my efforts will pay off...a car.
Sometimes I wish I lived in a City with mass transportation. Frankly, I wish I lived anywhere but Oak Park, Michigan. Blight and poverty rule. I can't walk down the street without some sort of protection. I live in a building with paper thin walls and floors. Opening the door is an open invitation for trouble. How did I get here?
I know how I got here. I had a car accident and needed help. Silly me. I actually thought there were people in the world who were genuinely willing to help others. I needed help paying my bills on time, and meeting the needs of my daughter. I got neither. What I did get was a man, two men, three men willing to drain me of all my financial resources to meet their needs. My daughter and I were moved to a controlled environment. Like lab rats in a cage. The "help" I received was nothing short of abusive. Unskilled and uncompassionate people were hired to help me through a transitory point in my life. I was screamed at and abused. My money and belongings stolen. My daughter was sent to live with her father, a man who wanted nothing more than to be rid of me. I was almost killed off. Sent to live in the underbelly of society to never be heard of again. I was excommunicated from the world because I had an accident and needed help...silly me...it was my understanding that when you ask for help it's provided.
Now I'm stuck. It's really hard to climb out of a hole with know ladder. I wouldn't suggest trying it. I have the grit, fortitude and determination to improve my position, but once you are cast-out it's almost impossible to recover. I say almost because I have hope. Hope for what I'm not really sure.
I have hope the sun will come out tomorrow. I have hope all my efforts will prove to be fruitful and eventually multiply. I have hope someday someone will take an interest in my plight and give me a helping hand out of the hole I woke up in. I have hope because without it I think I'd have to give up. I'd have to roll over and forget my dreams for a better tomorrow. I'd have to accept the inevitability of poverty - situational and emotional.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow in an impoverished world. I want to see the sun, and think it's shining or me. I want to laugh and play like I did so long ago, before the accident that stole my freedom. I want to see my daughter off to school, go to work, interact with like-minded people, volunteer my time to the needy. I want to volunteer to help the needy, not be the needy.
This is America - Land of opportunity, or so I thought. What opportunities await those no one wants to see? I don't know. I hope I find out...one day...before I die, that is.
Sometimes I wish I lived in a City with mass transportation. Frankly, I wish I lived anywhere but Oak Park, Michigan. Blight and poverty rule. I can't walk down the street without some sort of protection. I live in a building with paper thin walls and floors. Opening the door is an open invitation for trouble. How did I get here?
I know how I got here. I had a car accident and needed help. Silly me. I actually thought there were people in the world who were genuinely willing to help others. I needed help paying my bills on time, and meeting the needs of my daughter. I got neither. What I did get was a man, two men, three men willing to drain me of all my financial resources to meet their needs. My daughter and I were moved to a controlled environment. Like lab rats in a cage. The "help" I received was nothing short of abusive. Unskilled and uncompassionate people were hired to help me through a transitory point in my life. I was screamed at and abused. My money and belongings stolen. My daughter was sent to live with her father, a man who wanted nothing more than to be rid of me. I was almost killed off. Sent to live in the underbelly of society to never be heard of again. I was excommunicated from the world because I had an accident and needed help...silly me...it was my understanding that when you ask for help it's provided.
Now I'm stuck. It's really hard to climb out of a hole with know ladder. I wouldn't suggest trying it. I have the grit, fortitude and determination to improve my position, but once you are cast-out it's almost impossible to recover. I say almost because I have hope. Hope for what I'm not really sure.
I have hope the sun will come out tomorrow. I have hope all my efforts will prove to be fruitful and eventually multiply. I have hope someday someone will take an interest in my plight and give me a helping hand out of the hole I woke up in. I have hope because without it I think I'd have to give up. I'd have to roll over and forget my dreams for a better tomorrow. I'd have to accept the inevitability of poverty - situational and emotional.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow in an impoverished world. I want to see the sun, and think it's shining or me. I want to laugh and play like I did so long ago, before the accident that stole my freedom. I want to see my daughter off to school, go to work, interact with like-minded people, volunteer my time to the needy. I want to volunteer to help the needy, not be the needy.
This is America - Land of opportunity, or so I thought. What opportunities await those no one wants to see? I don't know. I hope I find out...one day...before I die, that is.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Catch A Plane To Tomorrow
Sometimes we need to look back to move forward. It's important to review the events that have shaped us, molded us into the people we are today. The trick is not getting stuck there.
For too many life has ben filled with pain. We tend to gravitate to it, and forget that amidst the pain there is light, hope for a better tomorrow. Yes, we can recall joy, happiness and content, but far too often these are brief moments interspersed amidst the litter of yesterday. Pain often outweighs light. That's how we get stuck. We move forward by putting down the bags of yesterday. Allowing the past to remain where it is, behind us. It's like being at an airport and trying to catch a plane. The more you carry with you the harder it is to get to the terminal, but leaving with nothing is impossible. I've never caught a plane to somewhere else with nothing...never. It's what we chose to take with us that makes all the difference.
Think about the last time you were at an airport. Close your eyes. Remember. Some people move slow, some fast. Recall. Who carries what? I'm willing to bet the people moving quickly carry less with them. Their lightness allows them to do so. Just like life. The more we take, the slower the commute.
Life is about choosing what we take with us on our flight, our journey to tomorrow. Since tomorrow never really comes it's more about what we carry with us today. Reflection is key. It gives us an opportunity to sift through the bags we carry, and put down what no longer works. Reflecting on the past moves us to tomorrow unencumbered. It's a choice. Our choice. Sometimes, in a strange sort of way, a painful choice. Choose wisely. Your plane awaits.
For too many life has ben filled with pain. We tend to gravitate to it, and forget that amidst the pain there is light, hope for a better tomorrow. Yes, we can recall joy, happiness and content, but far too often these are brief moments interspersed amidst the litter of yesterday. Pain often outweighs light. That's how we get stuck. We move forward by putting down the bags of yesterday. Allowing the past to remain where it is, behind us. It's like being at an airport and trying to catch a plane. The more you carry with you the harder it is to get to the terminal, but leaving with nothing is impossible. I've never caught a plane to somewhere else with nothing...never. It's what we chose to take with us that makes all the difference.
Think about the last time you were at an airport. Close your eyes. Remember. Some people move slow, some fast. Recall. Who carries what? I'm willing to bet the people moving quickly carry less with them. Their lightness allows them to do so. Just like life. The more we take, the slower the commute.
Life is about choosing what we take with us on our flight, our journey to tomorrow. Since tomorrow never really comes it's more about what we carry with us today. Reflection is key. It gives us an opportunity to sift through the bags we carry, and put down what no longer works. Reflecting on the past moves us to tomorrow unencumbered. It's a choice. Our choice. Sometimes, in a strange sort of way, a painful choice. Choose wisely. Your plane awaits.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
On our quest to begin again we must understand two things. One, we will never ever be the same, and two, no one else will be either.
Another karmic law, when we change those around us have to change too or risk losing you in their life. I read a great saying:
Another karmic law, when we change those around us have to change too or risk losing you in their life. I read a great saying:
When she transformed into a butterfly,
the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty,
but of her weirdness. They wanted her
to change back into what she had always been...
But she had wings
Sometimes life makes me sad. I watched as a car stopped in a parking lot outside my window. A man who was obviously mentally challenged was forced out of the car. The guy driving pretended to drive away. He drove a few feet then stopped. Drove a few feet and stopped. The man who was pushed out chased the car through the parking lot, obviously afraid he would be left behind. It's winter in Michigan. Too cold to be playing games with someone unable to care for themselves. What happened to humanity?
I wish this was an isolated incident, but I know it's not. I was forced into an unlicensed group home when the man who was supposed to "Guard" me, protect me from the nasty people of the world, decided I wasn't worth it. I had received a $155,000 settlement from an auto accident only a few months before my life was ripped out from under me by a Court Appointed Guardian. I was told all my money was gone, and I had no other choice but to go where he said. I has no choice and no one to protect me from a system and man with no accountability. My daughter was given to her father like she was a commodity. My furniture and belongings, including a rare coin collection, were given to the greedy and hateful woman who owned the group home I was being placed in. I was alone, depressed, with no where or none one to turn to. The injuries I incurred in my accident were temporary. My daughter and I were in a transitory point in our lives. It was more profitable, though, to keep me dependent on a man and system who didn't care if I lived or died. The treatment I received is proof of that. The system was strong. I was stronger, and I got out. So many more are still there. Alone and cold with no one to truly care.
Seeing that man chasing after a car in the parking lot reminds me of a very painful time in my life. Time I'll never get back. My belongings are only things. My dignity is not. It's a part of me. no one should ever try and strip me of this. No one should have to chase a car in a parking lot, afraid they will be left in the cold. I survived because my injuries were temporary. What of the man in the lot? What is he enduring tonight at the hands of those who don't care?
I wish this was an isolated incident, but I know it's not. I was forced into an unlicensed group home when the man who was supposed to "Guard" me, protect me from the nasty people of the world, decided I wasn't worth it. I had received a $155,000 settlement from an auto accident only a few months before my life was ripped out from under me by a Court Appointed Guardian. I was told all my money was gone, and I had no other choice but to go where he said. I has no choice and no one to protect me from a system and man with no accountability. My daughter was given to her father like she was a commodity. My furniture and belongings, including a rare coin collection, were given to the greedy and hateful woman who owned the group home I was being placed in. I was alone, depressed, with no where or none one to turn to. The injuries I incurred in my accident were temporary. My daughter and I were in a transitory point in our lives. It was more profitable, though, to keep me dependent on a man and system who didn't care if I lived or died. The treatment I received is proof of that. The system was strong. I was stronger, and I got out. So many more are still there. Alone and cold with no one to truly care.
Seeing that man chasing after a car in the parking lot reminds me of a very painful time in my life. Time I'll never get back. My belongings are only things. My dignity is not. It's a part of me. no one should ever try and strip me of this. No one should have to chase a car in a parking lot, afraid they will be left in the cold. I survived because my injuries were temporary. What of the man in the lot? What is he enduring tonight at the hands of those who don't care?
Monday, March 10, 2014
Beginning again often requires us to relearn what we thought we knew, and add a whole new set of tools to our bag of tricks. Thank God an old dog can indeed learn new tricks.
For me it's the computer thing!!! I know how to do the basics. I can turn a computer on and off. I can read my email, play a game or two and access Bing to do a web search. That's where my expertise stops. Stopped...until the other day. Until I wanted more than I had. Until I began to grow...again.
You see we never really stop growing. We get stuck in how we define this process. So we're getting older, big deal! I see my daughter struggling to find herself at the tender age of 18. Life has dealt her some hard knocks, but she has yet to develop the awareness that she will end up exactly where she needs to be. She has the skills to move into her future, but she hasn't yet learned to trust herself. She is green...I am gold...age has its perks.
For me it's the computer thing!!! I know how to do the basics. I can turn a computer on and off. I can read my email, play a game or two and access Bing to do a web search. That's where my expertise stops. Stopped...until the other day. Until I wanted more than I had. Until I began to grow...again.
You see we never really stop growing. We get stuck in how we define this process. So we're getting older, big deal! I see my daughter struggling to find herself at the tender age of 18. Life has dealt her some hard knocks, but she has yet to develop the awareness that she will end up exactly where she needs to be. She has the skills to move into her future, but she hasn't yet learned to trust herself. She is green...I am gold...age has its perks.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Beginning again mid-life can feel overwhelming, sometimes demeaning. It's more difficult than even I want to admit. Beginnings are for the young. Starting from scratch...everything and nothing to lose. Where to go from here?
The good news, we, as seasoned adults, have a myriad of experience to back us up. We are not truly starting from scratch. Every second of every previous day has brought us to this point in life. I am more than a work in progress. I'm a work in progress with a history of experience. I am full. Complete in today, and working toward a broader tomorrow. Experience has taught me I am more than a sum of my parts. I have already been mother, teacher, therapist, leader and learner. I've been, and am, all of this, and more. I am full, and I can become more. Realizing this has given me the hope I need to begin to stretch again. I'm testing the boundaries of my personal envelope. I am only defined by what I choose to do in the here-and-now. Yesterday was a dream, tomorrow a hope. I only have today, this moment in time. What I choose today will pave the path to tomorrow...tomorrows hopes become yesterday's dreams...I am whole. I am complete. I am enough.
I am free
The good news, we, as seasoned adults, have a myriad of experience to back us up. We are not truly starting from scratch. Every second of every previous day has brought us to this point in life. I am more than a work in progress. I'm a work in progress with a history of experience. I am full. Complete in today, and working toward a broader tomorrow. Experience has taught me I am more than a sum of my parts. I have already been mother, teacher, therapist, leader and learner. I've been, and am, all of this, and more. I am full, and I can become more. Realizing this has given me the hope I need to begin to stretch again. I'm testing the boundaries of my personal envelope. I am only defined by what I choose to do in the here-and-now. Yesterday was a dream, tomorrow a hope. I only have today, this moment in time. What I choose today will pave the path to tomorrow...tomorrows hopes become yesterday's dreams...I am whole. I am complete. I am enough.
I am free
Thursday, March 6, 2014
New Beginnings
Beginning again is hard. Harder then most anyone around will give you credit for. Begin again anyway. It's worth it.
I'm starting over...beginning to rebuild a shattered life from scratch. I'm choosing to move forward in spite of all the negative energy trying to pull me back into old patterns and ways of thinking. I've changed, but many around me don't want to. If they're going to continue being a part of my life, however, they'll have to change too. I think it's some kind of universal law. When we change others will have to change in relation to us. Scary, right? It's also refreshing and freeing. We don't have to roll around in the same muck day after day. We can get out and take a nice hot shower (or a cool one if, like me, you happen to be in the throws of menopause...).
I'm excited and terrified at the same time. If your life is changing you'll probably feel the same. Another universal law...we all have conflicting feelings...yuck! Yea! We are alive. We are free.
The last four years have been a nightmare. What started with an unfortunate car accident snowballed into a use and abuse of power by the jackasses I found myself surrounded by. Men (mostly) more concerned about money then they were about helping me to pay my bills in a timely manner, and caring for myself and my then 14 year old daughter, Makenna. This, however, is fodder for the book I'm currently writing entitled Starving To Death In America: A Survivors Story.
I have survived. I've more than survived. I'm living proof miracles do happen. I'm grateful...I'm happy to be alive...I'm excited to move into my future unencumbered by the old, and surrounded by the new.
I only wish my beautiful daughter could understand...but that's another story...
I'm starting over...beginning to rebuild a shattered life from scratch. I'm choosing to move forward in spite of all the negative energy trying to pull me back into old patterns and ways of thinking. I've changed, but many around me don't want to. If they're going to continue being a part of my life, however, they'll have to change too. I think it's some kind of universal law. When we change others will have to change in relation to us. Scary, right? It's also refreshing and freeing. We don't have to roll around in the same muck day after day. We can get out and take a nice hot shower (or a cool one if, like me, you happen to be in the throws of menopause...).
I'm excited and terrified at the same time. If your life is changing you'll probably feel the same. Another universal law...we all have conflicting feelings...yuck! Yea! We are alive. We are free.
The last four years have been a nightmare. What started with an unfortunate car accident snowballed into a use and abuse of power by the jackasses I found myself surrounded by. Men (mostly) more concerned about money then they were about helping me to pay my bills in a timely manner, and caring for myself and my then 14 year old daughter, Makenna. This, however, is fodder for the book I'm currently writing entitled Starving To Death In America: A Survivors Story.
I have survived. I've more than survived. I'm living proof miracles do happen. I'm grateful...I'm happy to be alive...I'm excited to move into my future unencumbered by the old, and surrounded by the new.
I only wish my beautiful daughter could understand...but that's another story...
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