No More

I've held my voice for far too long.  I've held it to the point of getting an infection in my jaw.  Dentists, Doctors might not understand this concept, but I do.  When we don't say what we need to for our own health and happiness it will come to us in the form of disease - dis-ease...

I was recently visiting someone I love dearly.  Someone I cherish.  That's a tough one given the family I come from.  I grew up in a family of anger and rejection.  We all did what we needed to in order to survive.  We all gained skills that would help us to navigate our future even if our futures weren't quite we had hoped and imagined them to be.  We are all, in our own ways, survivors.  But I want more.

I've survived most of my life.  I learned very early to sacrifice my own needs at the expense of those around me.  AS if this was, somehow, a noble trait.   I've sacrificed my voice to keep the status quo.  As I've aged, however, I realize I was never meant to keep the status quo.  I have a voice, a strong voice.  To not use it is a crime against myself. 

I've been shut down and shut up by people long enough.  I'm tired to listening to the words of others, and not being heard, honored and respected in my own right.  I have always been a good listener - too good listener.  I was always being told to shut-up.  I was told my opinion didn't count, wasn't valid, didn't matter.  Nothing or no one was ever there to build me up.  In my family, a compliment was invariably followed with a smack in the face, and I'm tired of being hit.  So much so I am willing to step out on my own, and to cut the ties with those who continue to shut me up at my expense.  It's scary, but I'm ready, willing and able to take back my life.  A life free of family criticism.  When they've done the personal work I've done then maybe I'll listen, but until then forget it.

No more hearing or listening at my own expense.  No more self-sacrifice for those who wouldn't sacrifice for me.